foolishly lovable person.

A few days ago, I went to Boyfriend’s department sports league competition.

I met a friend of Boyfriend, an extrovert one. I was instantly getting utter amazement. While he was competing in Badminton, making or losing score, he expressed his excitement and disappointment in the most exaggerating ways. People were roaring at him, screaming his name. He lets them explode with laughter, as if it was his main purpose.

If you were given a chance to make friend with him, would you?

Yes. You said.

He’s funny guy.

Here’s why.
Research from Harvard shows people would rather work with a lovable fool than a competent jerk -even if they won’t admit it:

 

likeability

Okay, it’s a work thing. But friendship?

Who doesn’t want a silly, humorous friend?

 

I wish I was born foolish enough.

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he who angers you, conquers you. -Elizabeth Kenny

I deal with temperament people. It is never easy, requires a lot of patience and ability to let go of ego. But the more I meet angry people, the more I learn their attitude, the more I learn to control my anger.

That is, I agree when Dawn Gregory said that Anger is an instinctive reaction to feeling powerless. When I feel angry at someone or something else, in reality, I am angry at myself. So the question I need to answer is, why am I so angry at myself? What is making me feel powerless?

One way to answer these questions, she said is to daydream about the specific situations that are making me angry.

What did I want to happen?
How many ways can I imagine it would turn out differently?
What would I do differently that would have created a positive experience?

Remember, you can’t control what others do, you can only control yourself.
(read more)


Then I found out Enneagram.

It is a model of the human psyche which is principally understood and taught as a typology of nine interconnected personality types. (read more)

 

enneagram.PNG
Understanding the Enneagram: The Practical Guide to Personality Types (revised edition) by Don Richard Riso and Russ Hudson

Eight, Nine, and One are the types that make up the gut center triad.
The underlying emotion associated with the gut center is anger.
It fuels the drive or passion for each of the gut types. (read more)

In the Enneagram, 8s externalise their anger.

Eight represents the externalized version of anger. Their anger is like a summer thunderstorm; it rises quickly, it booms and pounds intensely, and it’s over in a flash. When it’s finished, it’s finished. The air is clear.

1s, on the other hand, internalise their anger.

One contains the internalized version of anger – resentment. Anger is stuffed deep inside and seeps out in in the guise of irritation, frustration, and resentment. Anger can even be turned against the One himself in the form of haranguing by the internal critic. In this sense, Ones’ anger is more like an active volcano that is not allowed to blow. Small bursts of steam vent through clenched teeth as the One seethes.

Lastly, 9s are out of touch with their anger.

Nines lost awareness of or “forgot” they were angry, but they are no less driven by it than are Ones and Eights. Anger is kept safely hidden from the Nine’s view, but s/he pays a price by also losing her own priorities, desires, even her passion. The strength and action that are the birthright of the gut center are simply not felt. Nines are like an inactive volcano. It takes a lot of energy not to notice something, which may help explain why Nines often feel ‘low energy’ or feel they are enlivened by the energy of others.

So, how do I deal with angry people?

  • I try to put myself in their shoes. Will I get angry if something in particular happens to me?
  • If ‘Yes’, it means I must apologize whether it is my fault or not, to let them know that I value this relationship more than my pride.
  • If ‘No’, I will observe the causes or If I can not find any, I will assume they are under stressful condition which lead them to their current temper.

Mild anger may be brought on by feeling tired, stressed or irritated, in fact we are more likely to feel irritated if our basic human needs are not met or are jeopardized in some way.

We may become angry when reacting to frustration, criticism or a threat and this is not necessarily a bad or inappropriate reaction.

We can also feel irritated by other people’s beliefs, opinions and actions and hence anger can affect our ability to communicate effectively – making us more likely to say or do unreasonable or irrational things.

Anger can also be a ‘secondary emotion’ to feeling sad, frightened, threatened or lonely. (read more)

  • I determine their Enneagram type. It is useful to predict how many time they will be needing to calm down. I can also decide the next step by their type.
  • I will back a step off, letting them to take time out, to have space to reflect. I refuse to talk if they are still in that shape. Talking with angry people might drag me into the same reaction.
  • I have mantras I used to remind myself: ‘they did not mean anything they said (or did) when they are angry‘ or I’d talk to them in my mind: ‘if you hurt me, that’s okay baby only words bleed’ as Ed Sheeran said. So in the end, it doesn’t hurt me as much as if I think they are really mean to hurt me.
  • I open 9gag, find videos of cute puppies or kittens or pandas. I find something to laugh for.
  • After some time of disengaging, I approach them with something attentive that would interest them enough not to ignore me. It makes me creative!
  • I would hug, or apologize (again), or tease them and make sure I don’t discuss about it until we are probably forgetting some part of the moment.:p

Those steps are based on my experience. They take A LOT of practice to get used to.😌😅

good communication is the bridge between confusion and clarity. -Nat Turner

hacks : how to improve social interaction


I don’t say I am an expert. In fact, I am no good at all at communicating, or worse, interacting.

Based on a fun quiz of the same topic I took on Facebook out of 25 questions, my result is

“You are doing okay.”

It happened to be sometimes I say something completely different from what I think of. Still do the learning with real people though 🙂

“To communicate is to be able to tell the other what’s on your mind without fighting or arguing.”

Here are the best hacks I got from multiple resources.

  • Say “Excuse me” instead of “Hi” to start a conversation. 

It feels awkward approaching a stranger to say, “Hi.” If you change “hi” to “excuse me,” then it will feel easier to start and continue a conversation. Why?
Excuse me” literally gives you a non-existent excuse to start a conversation. The phrase makes you feel like you have a reason to talk even when you don’t. “Hi” does not. By using “excuse me” rather than “hi,” you’ll get out of your comfort zone faster and talk to more people. As a result, if you work as a salesperson, you’ll close more deals. (read more)

  • Find a common interest.

You will have more confidence talking about subjects that you are familiar with. Try and see if you and the person you are speaking to have something in common. Finding out that you both are passionate about golf makes a conversation exponentially easier. (read more)

  • Waiting 3 full seconds before responding to anyone to give yourself an opportunity to think before you speak.

Confident people have faith that whoever they are talking to will patiently wait for their response. They don’t feel the need to rush and respond out of fear that the person they are talking to will lose interest. (read more)

  • People want 3 things out of what they give their time and attention to.

They want to be entertained, informed, and feel good about themselves. (read more).

  • Yes, people will mostly remember not what you said but how you made them feel.

Also, most people like talking about themselves so ask lots of questions about them. (read more)

  • Learn more Body Language tricks like :

✔️   Lots of eye contact (listening = connection)
✔️   Repeat their name in conversation (names = good feelings)
✔️   Turn your head slowly if someone calls your name (turning your head quickly shows eagerness)
✔️   Walk slowly (you are important, no one is rushing you anywhere)
✔️   Don’t fidget (shows you are nervous)
✔️   Don’t touch your face (nervousness)
✔️   Don’t bite your lips (nervousness)
✔️   Hold your shoulders back (shows power)
✔️   Don’t brush lint off your clothes (shows insecurity)
✔️   Respond to text 1 1/2 the time it took for them to respond. (you are busy)
✔️   Associate with other confident people (makes you confident)
(read more)

  • Don’t forget to soften your gaze.

When you first meet people try to notice their eye color while also smiling at them. It might be because you look for a second or two longer, but all I can tell you is that people really respond to it. (read more)

  • We can help to create magical connections simply by elevating the language we use from the phatic to the peak level.

✔️   Phatic : These statements have no emotional content: “How are you?”
✔️   Factual : These share information, maybe personal information, but no strong opinions or emotions are involved: “I live in Jakarta.”
✔️   Evaluative : These statements show opinions, but they’re not core beliefs: “That movie was really funny.”
✔️   Gut-level : Gut-level communication is emotionally based. It’s personal, says something deeper about who you are and is focused on feelings: “I’m sad that you’re not here.”
✔️   Peak : The most emotionally vulnerable level. Peak statements share your innermost feelings. These statements are rare, even with people we are very close to: “I guess at heart I’m terrified I’m going to lose you.” (read more)

  • Say “yes” to dinner invitations -or to any invitations.

Take it as an opportunity to networking to keep up with the current issues. Don’t have to accept ALL invitations, keep the frequency at the stage where you are not considered as the one who’s busy all the time. Do take a note; when you reject invitations, people will stop inviting and before you know it, you are excluded from the group. If it’s okay with you, go ahead then.

  • Spot people’s sympathies when they laugh.

Whenever you are standing in a group and laughter breaks out, it is a golden chance for you to see who likes you the most. Typically, each one in the group will instinctively glance at that particular individual that they like/trust the most in the group. This hack is not only helpful to spot people whom you are sympathetic, but also a nice way of figuring out who is secretly in a relationship or having a deep affection for each other. (read more)

“To communicate is to be able to tell the other what’s on your mind without fighting or arguing.”


Will be added more if I found another  🙂